When you have a family member with late stage cancer, nerves can wear pretty thin.
Every time the phone rings you think it may be about them. Every time it doesn’t ring you think something happened.
And when your family member has stage 4 lung cancer after decades of smoking multiple packs of cigarettes, well: It’s really hard not to be mad at them or play the blame game.
And most of the time, I’m pretty good at this. The other day though I said something I regret. And I’m sorry about this. But here’s what happened:
I was on skype with mum and dad. They were talking about all the stuff he eats and dad said he ad to go and buy some supplies.
Talk came to potatoes and mum explained she wouldn’t buy the super market ones because they’re sprayed with some stuff that could give you cancer and that she’s always paying attention to this sort of thing.
I replied that coming from someone who smoked 2 packs a day for over 40 years, that was a bit rich.
Look, I know I’m in the wrong. But I’m also hurt that she pretends like giving a fuck where your potatoes come from when she didn’t give a fuck about her smoking and what impact this had.
She told me she was upset with me, that she, after all, has to live with the consequences of the mistakes she made.
But it isn’t just her, is it? We all have to deal with the consequences of this, we all have our lives on hold for the foreseeable future and we all suffer from her cancer, even if we don’t have it.
I just wish sometimes she had cared about the bloody smoking as much as she did about these potatoes.
Cool Kids Don't Cry 
I can completely empathize with you!! Unfortunately smoking is one of the most stigmatized issues out there. The anti smoking ads are often seen as “too harsh” similar to the anti drinking and driving ones. People know it can kill them but they keep doing it! I’m sure your Mom feels guilty and I know how frustrating end stage cancer is, try and hang in there and appreciate every moment you have left with your loved one! (When my Grammy first entered the hospital last year and the doctors asked her if she ever smoked her response was “I was born to smoke”. 24 hours later she was diagnosed with stage 4 adenocarcinoma metastasized to the brain. She passed away 7 months later. She quit smoking 20 years ago but it just wasn’t enough.– situations like my grandmothers often lead to people thinking “nothing will make a difference”) Just some thoughts 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you for your thoughts 🙂
It was so hard not to be mad when I first found out. I think the natural reaction is to think “why didn’t you care enough to want to be around for me” but I know full well it’s not that easy and I’m trying to be supportive as much as I can. And since then, I also learned a lot about Lung Cancer and how it affects people. What wound me up so much was the potato comment I guess, because you think “oh this matters now?” As said, I’m really sorry about the way I handled it and have sicne apologised. But It’s tough on all of us and it’d be wrong to pretend I’m always perfect in dealing with this, you know?
I’m really sorry to hear about your grandmother. xx
LikeLike
Hallo Charlotte, ich habe heute Deinen Blog entdeckt und kann nachempfinden, wie Du Dich fühlst. Im August 2015 erhielt auch meine Mama die Diagnose Krebs, so dass ich mich intensiv damit auseinander setzen musste. Die Therapie wurde im Dezember beendet, sie ist geheilt und seit März quält sie sich mit den Nebenwirkungen der Chemo. Die Krankheit schwebt wie ein Damoklesschwert über uns. Ich denke an Dich und sende Dir viele Grüße aus dem Pott…
LikeLike
Vielen vielen Dank. Es hat mich im November echt umgehauen, wie du dir vorstellen kannst. Großartige Neuigkeiten dass es deiner Mutter besser geht! Und ja die Nebenwirkungen sind wirklich nicht spaßig. Alles Liebe an dich und deine Familie!
LikeLike